Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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