i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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