i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
