Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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