I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
