I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
