I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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