Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
