see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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