Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
