she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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