So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
