Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
