just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
