Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
