When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
