she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
