god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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