worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
