I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
