how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't deserve a penis
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
