I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
