I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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