True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
