dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
