don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
