dude i'm inner monologue high
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
