just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
