literally had 100 drinks last night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
