Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
