I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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