Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Mom said you looked used
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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