____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
