Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
