"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
