Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
