o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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