I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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