my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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