There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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