I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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