My liver just broke up with me...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
