You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
