apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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