took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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