The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
