He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
and she was petting her beer can
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
