I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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