There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
