He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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